Kendra Wilkinson is opening up about why she didn't mourn Hugh Hefner after his death or publicly voice her support for him in years since -- even after he's been plagued with disturbing allegations posthumously.
In an interview with PEOPLE, published on Saturday, the former Playboy model defended her decision to smoke weed and get high at a Sublime concert the day Hefner died in September 2017.
"I smoked a lot of weed," Wilkinson admitted, adding, "Look, at the end of the day, I owe Hef nothing."
"I'm not going to sit here and protect him. Hugh Hefner decided to date millions of girls, right? That's not my responsibility," she continued. "And whatever happened with him, with his relationships, that was his thing. It's not my responsibility to protect a man for his life choices."
The Girls Next Door alum -- who lived in the Playboy Mansion from 2004 to 2009 -- recently opened up about her battles with anxiety and depression, revealing she was hospitalized in September after she suffered a series of panic attacks.
Wilkinson shared that she's undergoing treatment for her mental health struggles, which includes working through the trauma stemming from her time living in the Mansion in her late teens and early 20s.
"I got into deep regret [afterwards]," she told PEOPLE, looking back at her relationship with Hefner, whom she began dating in 2004, moving into the Mansion not long after. "I got to that point where I started hating myself [and asking], 'Why did I have sex with Hugh Hefner?' I hated my boobs, my body, my face. I got to that point where I started hating myself."
Wilkinson -- who said that Playboy "messed my whole life up" -- went on to share that she's felt pressured to defend Hefner amid the allegations brought against him in recent years.
In the time since his death, many of his ex-girlfriends, former Playmates, model, and former Playboy employees have spoken out against Hefner and the alleged misconduct that went down inside the Playboy Mansion, including a slew of other allegations, such as sexual assault.
"Do you know how many people were putting pressure on me to stick up for Hef with all his allegations and all this stuff? That's not my responsibility to stick up for someone like that. That's what started triggering me because people were like, 'Well, why don't you stick up for him?'" said Wilkinson, who was married to Hank Baskett from 2009 until their split in 2018. "And I had a marriage to my ex-husband and now two kids to focus on now, not Hugh Hefner."
The mother of two -- who shares son Hank Jr., 14, and daughter Alijah, 9, with Baskett -- stressed that she's focused on her real estate carer and wants to put her past with Hefner behind her.
"Hef kept appearing in my life and there were times where I wanted to stop that. I'm, like, 'Hef's not a part of my life anymore. Can we not include Hef in my life moving forward?'" she told PEOPLE.
"He was five years of my life. He's not my life," Wilkinson added. "So there were times where I kept trying to part ways with Playboy and it just kept following me through time. I had to really face the truth of it all."
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